Every morning for the past 9 months (what is time anymore?) I sit at our kitchen table and should-shame myself for not putting out a blog. I take another three minutes to brainstorm what I’m going to write about This Time, but nothing comes to mind.

So let’s talk about doing things because we want to and not doing them because we think we have to, or in other words, “shoulding” ourselves.

I don’t have to write. I don’t have to post a weekly blog. But I tell myself I should be posting a weekly blog. For all those readers out there (like, two). If I ever want to monetize my blog, I should be posting consistently.

But what’s been consistent about this past year? Fuck all.

I mean, I’ve consistently haven’t wanted to write. I’m too distracted. I kept telling myself, “okay, once things settle down, I’ll be able to focus my energy on writing again.” But it hasn’t happened. There’s a new shitstorm every week.

It got especially bad with the Elections. Once Biden was announced the official winner, I thought I’d be able to focus again. But no, we had a tyrant, fascist-wanna-be in Chief sowing doubts about Biden’s win for two months. Every day was a new lie. A new distraction.

I’ve had a Twitter account for years but never really used it. I didn’t “get” Twitter for the longest time. But between the Election and the Inauguration, I learned it way too fast. And it was distracting AF. I became a doom scroller. I’d read 45’s tweets, I’d read the comments responding to his tweets, I’d read journalists’ tweets, I’d scroll through the Explore section.

And an hour would go by. I wouldn’t have written anything. And it’d be time to start work. In this frazzled, anxious state.

And this went on and on for two months.

Always reminding myself I should be writing. I wanted to take the time to really research articles about what was happening in our country but couldn’t muster the energy to do it. I also didn’t think my words had much meaning. Like, who really gives a shit about what I have to say? There are more qualified people to say what I’m going to say, I’d think.

So I wouldn’t put out a piece.

And I’d feel guilty for it.

Much like anyone who “shoulds” themself. 

I should workout today.

I should eat a salad today.

I should read that book.

I should write a blog.

I should clean the dust off the TV stand.

I should schedule that appointment or that meeting.

I should. I should. I should.

When we don’t do it, we feel guilty. Why? Why do we feel like we always need to produce something? Or get something done all the time. I think it’s this weird “American Way,” or “The Capitalist Way.” Production is all about capitalism. We’ve ingrained it in our minds (and our bodies) that if we’re not productive (however that looks for you), then we’re not worthy.

At least I have.

I can’t take a break without thinking I should be doing something productive. I think I rest less on rest days. I stress out more during a Netflix binge. “The American Way” does not allow for rest and recovery. And I have to schedule that in.

If there was a Capitalist’s dictionary, Shoulding would be in it.

Shoulding: The act of pressuring oneself to complete a task in order to feel worthy.

And worthy of what? To like yourself? To have others like you?

I feel like I need to produce blogs in order to come across as knowledgeable, as influential, as inspiring, maybe a leader? And having admitted that, I realize I’m not writing for me. I’m writing for others.

And when you do something for someone else and it’s not inherently for your benefit, that’s when you should yourself. Thinking you need to be doing something because you want to keep up with others or prove yourself to others is never worth it.

People don’t give a shit about you. They’re their own main characters.

So, if you don’t want to write or you don’t have the energy to do something, then don’t. Don’t do it especially when you don’t want to do it because that’s when you should yourself.

Sometimes we want to do a thing when we’re tired or lacking motivation but the desire is there. That’s when it’s okay to push yourself a little because you know damn well after you’ve done the thing, you’ll feel better. 

So ask yourself: Why do you should yourself? What’s behind that?

Stop doing things because you think you should do them. Do the things you want to do because you want to. Start wanting yourself.

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